Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
