Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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