She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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