My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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