I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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