If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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