i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
