I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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