Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
