I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
