you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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