The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
