I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Randomize
