You made me cry and you don't even care
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
