I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
