Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
