Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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