Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
