i was rollin on her like bob the builder
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
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it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He has the fingertips of a God
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