I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
