the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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