I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
