Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
