have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
