It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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