the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
