Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
