....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Boobs speak an international language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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