...so i touched it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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