So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
