3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
