Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
