Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
