Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
