how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
