When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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