Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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