There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
