Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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