Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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