I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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