its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
