You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
