I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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