He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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