Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
