I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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