Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
