I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
