Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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