Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
