Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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