Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
