we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
