it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
