There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
