roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
